


Heart made of glass, mind of stone

by AnnyFay



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nostalgia, Online Dating, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-25 07:04:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14373468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnyFay/pseuds/AnnyFay
Summary: The Finn senses it's time they talked about the real reason the lone wolf Lewis Hamilton didn't want to spend summer break alone.“What are you doing man?” Lewis eyes him with a wary look. Valtteri’s smile widens.“I’m creating a profile for you on an online dating website.”





	Heart made of glass, mind of stone

**Author's Note:**

> I've been meaning to post this one for so long I can't believe it's finished  
> Anyway, I started writing it at F1's summer break back in 2017 (when it's set). The start of the new season clearly inspired me to finally be able to publish my precious <3  
> I love doing these considerations before you start reading, so:  
> -It's kind of a parallel universe where Nico is not married or anything  
> -I paid special attention to Lewis' emotions because I do feel he is very complex and I love exploring the depths of his actions  
> -I seriously hope you enjoy it and please tell me your honest thoughts on it

 Valtteri is beating Lewis by 356 points, but he won't brag about it. There is a reason Lewis invited him to play video games and it is not for sheer competition.

At first, the Englishman was not enthusiastic about having him on the team, but there was no ill-will between them, and Valtteri is compassionate about whatever is going on in Lewis' head after Nico's departure. Felipe was an open book and sometimes that bothered the Finn, whereas Lewis is a book hanging on the shelf – It will not mind if you pick it up and start reading, and it will not mind if you choose to ignore its existence.

Lewis has been feeling low lately. The pressure is crawling up his feet, swallowing him as the championship becomes more and more distant. Maybe Nico won fairly; maybe he doesn't have what it takes to be a champion anymore. He should stop pointing fingers and finally accept it was his own failure.

Nico is not there to pick up the pieces of his pride and mend them together. He moved on.

The Finn senses it's time they talked about the real reason the lone wolf Lewis Hamilton didn't want to spend summer break alone. He wanders his eyes through the vast number of memorabilia littered over a rack. His attention is caught by a picture in a cracked frame: Lewis and Nico side by side leaning on the pitlane’s fence, both of them with Mercedes’ t-shirts and smiles that mirrored the other. Lewis’ gaze was turned to the blond, and the amazement on his face was unmistakable. Nico was looking away, distracted and unaware of the silent devotion aimed at him.

“When was that?”

Lewis trails Valtteri’s gaze upon the picture. He nods a couple of times as though savouring faded memories.

“2013, back in our first year as teammates.”

Valtteri was expecting he would linger on the thought a while longer, but he’s gone back to the game. “Got you!” Lewis shouts as Valtteri’s screen is painted red and he loses his first life.

“This is cheating.” The Finn groans.

“If only you would stop keeping your focus elsewhere.” Lewis’ player is hit out of nowhere. Game over. “Bloody hell!”

“So… how long has it been since you two last talked?” Valtteri seizes the opportunity.

“Hm, he still lives upstairs, but I never really see him… so I guess since Silverstone. Anyway, we are too polite to ignore each other completely.”

“Neither should you.” Valtteri is smoothly stepping into that unknown zone between them. He is not sure he should keep going, but he does anyway.

“It’s complicated…” Lewis leans back on the sofa, covering his face with both hands. “Whenever I see him, I have these… conflicting feelings. Like, of course we didn’t break up on good terms, but I miss the old times. I don’t know whether I still like him or I’m just afraid of letting go.” Lewis seems embarrassed after such a speech. He sighs heavily. “Sorry, it’s dumb.”

“No, it’s not.” The Finn tries not to act like he’s also uncomfortable with the way Lewis shuts off, entering defence mode. “I mean it. So… are you seeing someone?”

“No offense, but if you are hitting on me, then…”

“No, not at all! I was just curious.” Valtteri’s face turns red. Lewis suppresses a smirk.

“No, I’ve been with Nico since we were teenagers. I don’t even know how this stuff works.”

“Hm…” Valtteri pounders for an instant, gets up and grabs his phone. He fiddles with it for a while as Lewis watches carefully the way the corners of his mouth lift in a devious way.

“What are you doing man?” Lewis eyes him with a wary look. Valtteri’s smile widens.

“I’m creating a profile for you on an online dating website.”

Lewis jumps out of the sofa, stretching one arm to seize the phone from Valtteri’s hand.

“No you’re not” He snatches it, frowning at the screen. “When the hell did you take this picture of me?”

“I googled it.”

Lewis releases an _oh_ , scrolling down in search for anything absurd. The description reads: ‘I Like long walks by the beach with my two dogs and going out for a drink at night.”

“C’mon, this is silly.”

Valtteri shrugs. “This will get you a date in less than three days.”

The Englishman jerks the phone back to him. Lewis’ expression goes from pissed off to a somewhat curious grin.

“Hope so.”

 

* * *

 

 

_Tobias Talttrev would like to start a chat with you._

_Tobias is typing…_

**04:09 a.m Tobias:** Hi.                    

 **07:33 a.m Lewis:** Hey, morning.

 **12:40 p.m Tobias:** Sorry, fell asleep. So… are you here on vacation?     

 **12:41 p.m Lewis:** I live here actually. You?   

 **12:41 p.m Tobias:** Same.

 **12:50 p.m Lewis:** Where’s your surname from? I found it interesting

 **12:55 p.m Tobias:** Swedish

 **03:08 p.m Tobias:** You can call me Tobey btw.

 **4:26 p.m Tobias:** Why would someone so good looking like you need an app to find a date?

 **4:28 p.m Lewis:** I’m not really a “dating” type of guy.

 **4:33 p.m Tobias:** So you’re looking for a one-night-stand?

 **4:40 p.m Lewis:** No…

 **4:41 p.m Lewis:** Def not. I mean, I haven’t been on a date in a long, long time. I have no idea what I’m doing right now.

 **4:42 p.m Tobias:** Long-term relationship?

 **4:49 p.m Lewis:** Yeah

 **5:03 p.m Tobias:** Been there. It’s tough.

 **5:10 p.m Tobias:** Are you okay now?

 **5:13 p.m Lewis:** Think so.

 **5:36 p.m Tobias:** Would it be too nosy asking what happened?

 **5:41 p.m Lewis:** Hm

 **5:42 p.m Lewis:** It’s complicated

 **5:43 p.m Tobias:** I’m sorry

 **5:47 p.m Lewis:** It’s fine

 **5:55 p.m Lewis:** We grew apart

 **5:59 p.m Tobias:** And now you’re moving on?

 **6:03 p.m Lewis:** Hope so. What about you?

 **6:07 p.m Tobias:** I’m up for some fun tonight.

 **6:08 p.m Lewis:** You serious?

 **6:10 p.m Tobias:** Of course! I live next to Port Hercule. Meet me there at 7. I’ll bring the beers.

 **6:25 p.m Lewis:** Ok. See you there.

 

* * *

 

 

Lewis’ hands are sweating; his heart is going nuts inside his chest. He feels stupid after throwing on the fifth t-shirt and analysing his own image in the mirror. His phone beeps.

 **Tobias:** The moon is astonishing. Wish we could share the view

Lewis smiles as he quickly types _“be there in ten minutes”_. It has been a while since he last experienced those goosebumps throughout his body; trembling lips due to the uncertainty of how to act, what to say; whether he’s being too shy or maybe too talkative. With Nico, things simply were. They were either smooth-running or tempestuous, but the excitement was long gone, buried deep in the tension of getting caught up in politics, greed and whatever has got into their heads when they decided to throw it all to the wind and play dirty.

It was too much an effort.

Lewis decides to go by foot because the summery breeze couldn’t be nicer. In fact, as much as it hurts, his life couldn’t be nicer. It was like ripping off a band-aid, but, finally, it was over. No more ghosts, no more regrets. What’s done is done and, to be honest, they had a really good time together. A couple of years from then they could become friends again and laugh about the stupid fights they had over…

As Lewis approaches the place Tobey appointed for them to meet upon, he spots a back he could never forget.

Because he spent countless nights kissing every freckle scattered through that rosy skin and running his fingers through that unkempt blond hair.

Nico has always been a sight for sore eyes.

“Hey.” Lewis’ heart skips a beat. He wanted to draw the other’s attention to him so he wouldn’t be the only one startled. Now, however, he doesn’t know what to do with the profound gaze upon him.

“Hi.” Nico’s eyes brighten up like a puppy dog.

Lewis doesn’t want to seem displeased, but Nico ruined his first baby step and killed his inner monologue of resilience.

So he asks politely:

“What are you doing here?”

To which Nico responds:

“Hm, I’m kinda waiting for someone.”

Lewis swallows hard. It should not affect him so terribly; he was the one who ended things between them. However, it doesn’t make the thought of seeing Nico with someone else less disturbing.

As he’s about to turn around and walk away before getting any more blushed, it hits him.

“Who are you meeting?”

Nico ruffles the back of his hair as he usually does whenever he is feeling uneasy.

“Lewis, I… well,” he stammers, but the Englishman doesn’t back off. “I don’t want it to be weird.”

“I just want to know his name.” Lewis rolls his eyes and, of course, it’s already weird as hell.

Nico sighs in disbelief “It’s Tobey, you don’t know him.”

“I think I do.”

Nico crosses his arms and Lewis notices a bag full of beers hanging from his hand.

“What do you mean?”

“We’ve been tricked. I was going to meet Tobey here as well.”

Nico’s jaw drops. He keeps looking around as if planning an escape from that awkward situation and the consuming way Lewis stares at him.

“So he asked us both on a date?”

Lewis would rather think Nico was feigning innocence because he certainly couldn’t be that naive.

“There’s no ‘he’. Someone set us up to meet each other here. They even said they would bring the beers and you did, so…”

“But who could that be?” The German figures out that adopting an investigative posture towards the issue lessens the constant burning sensation on his face.

Lewis can’t think of anyone in particular who would plan a whole scheme just to fix things up between them, but he can think of only one who knew about the online dating app.

“Have you talked to Valtteri recently?”

Nico pounders for a minute, fingertips caressing his chin.

“Hm, yeah, like… he sent me the link to the dating app and…” Nico has an epiphany. “Fuck. He’s been asking these weird questions about us and stuff.”

Lewis shivers at the sound of the word “us”, and he would have appreciated it for a bit longer were it not for the sudden realisation of Valtteri’s real intentions the whole time.

“What an asshole…” Besides the raging tone of voice, Lewis is suppressing a smirk in an attempt to look furious, even though the whole situation is quite hilarious.

Nico, on the other hand, is giggling and shaking his head slightly like he can’t bring himself to believe Valtteri of all people successfully tricked them into going out together.

Two days ago, Lewis would never picture them at the fort Hercule, moonlight cast upon the sea, laughing like teenagers among boats and yachts. Nico shoves one hand in the plastic bag and hands a beer to Lewis – and the world sort of explodes.

“We can still enjoy it, though.”

Lewis stands stiff as a poker, hands sweating. He doesn’t want to call it “panicking”, but his eyes keep going from Nico’s hand to his face and something on his look screaming _chill out for god’s sake_.

“I think I should probably go home.” The Englishman murmurs.

“I won’t stop you, but… tonight is the perfect night for a walk by the Marina.”

And indeed, the entire atmosphere is too good to pass up. If Lewis returns home, he will probably spend the rest of the night watching some lame soap opera while wondering what might have happened.

Nico has a brightness in his eyes and a tranquillity in his grin which makes him the most trustworthy person Lewis has ever met. That is also the reason it hurt the Englishman so terribly to learn of his retirement by a heated argument between Toto and Niki, and not by the German himself; to find out the future they’ve discussed in previous talks may have never even existed in Nico’s plans.

Maybe he owes Lewis an explanation.

“This is not a date” The Englishman accepts the beer and the touch of hands lasts a second too long.

This is going to be one hell of a walk.

 

“It’s a fucking anagram,” Lewis exclaims after a moment of quietness as they walk side by side with a safe distance between them. “Tobias Talttrev is an anagram of that dumbass’ name.”

“You must admit… he’s quite a genius.” And Nico knows it better than anyone because he has been trying to make that moment happen for ages. Lewis has been harsh and implacable, and pretty much impossible to reach.

“So… what have you been up to lately?” Lewis timidly asks. It is an uneventful Tuesday and the boats are mostly empty, the streets barely inhabited by a few tourists.

“Not much, just ambassador’s stuff. What about you?”

The conversation doesn’t flow like it used to. They pounder each word for fear it might touch a delicate subject, and there are only two options – each of which eventually reaches a dead end: they can either talk about their current lives and realise they cannot even be interested in each other’s reality because they are going opposite ways, or they can talk about the past and all the things they never became.

Lewis is unwilling to follow this topic’s thread. He wouldn’t call it ‘shame’, but he’s not exactly having a terrific year. Nico is still waiting for an answer, though.

“Aren’t you watching the races?”

Nico shrugs. “Yeah, but… I wasn’t necessarily asking you about them. Have you got any other projects going on? And your holiday, how’s it going?”

“Tedious, anxious… I’m losing and there’s nothing I can do about it right now.” Lewis sighs heavily. He looks away to a single boat with all its lights on and what seems to be a party going on inside. He remembers there was a time he would bathe in all the luxury life could possibly offer him, and that was enough to make him believe he had achieved the success he’s always craved. Lewis still has a bohemian lifestyle, but it feels rather depressing and lonely.

“What exactly are you losing?”

The Englishman turns his eyes towards Nico expecting to find the other with a scornful expression, secretly enjoying Lewis’ undoing. Instead, there is a gloom of preoccupation and a hint of seriousness in the lines across his frowned forehead.

“The Championship, clearly.” Lewis responds bitterly.

“For once in your life, will you please imagine something beyond your F1 career?”

Lewis’ feet turn into lead as he watches Nico, unaware of his sudden stop, continues to amble until realising the Englishman is not at his side. He turns back, eyes caught by the complexity in Lewis’ face. Eventually, he resumes his walking alongside Nico as though the past few seconds have never happened. The blond is afraid to ask, so they go on with their mouths shut.

They run out of beer, so Nico suggests that they have a drink at the nearby kiosk. Lewis orders a Piña Colada, Nico fancies a scotch.

They sit on the stairs leading to a platform jutting from the main walkway, knees slightly touching. Lewis wanders his eyes through the horizon, appreciating the beauty within the infinite darkness – how the sky blends with the ocean into this huge black mass above their heads. This is not a particularly stunning night – Monaco has seen prettier ones –, but it is exactly this simplicity that reminds them of how they used to go out at night: with nowhere to go, just walking and talking and breathing each other’s air.

“Do you remember that time when we were having a yacht party and you went out to buy lemons, then you came back, but entered the wrong yacht?” Nico looks at the empty boats as if they were the ones mentioned in the scene. “I had to go in and rescue you from a bunch of drunk tourists who couldn’t believe _Lowe Harrington_  had come to their party.”

Lewis takes a sip of his drink and faces Nico, who’s still smiling at the memory. They lock eyes, caught by the comfort of simpler times. Sometimes it’s easy to forget what went wrong.

“And when you got fed up with the party, I brought you here…” Nico leans closer, placing one hand on Lewis’ lap. “We stayed here ‘til dawn and we…”

Lewis timidly bends forward and places a kiss on Nico’s half-parted lips. They are static for a moment, as though it’s the first time they kiss and they’re both afraid of what the other’s reaction will be. It is a new sort of adrenaline and Lewis likes it a little too much.

They leave aside their drinks, fumbling hands through arms and shoulders, then each other’s crook of the neck. Nico goes further and slides his trembling fingers underneath Lewis’ t-shirt. The unaware Brit pleasantly moans before yanking himself backwards in consternation. They are going too far and too fast, and Lewis may feel like it is the right thing to do if he ever wants to make sense of his life again, but the truth is that he cannot allow himself to depend on the blond again. It almost tore him apart the last time.

“It’s easy to pretend nothing happened, right? Like the past few years haven’t been a complete disaster.” Lewis attempts to let go of Nico’s hand, but the German tightens the grip and looks deep into Lewis’ glooming eyes.

“We can still make this work.”

“What about when I have to fly across the globe and you’ll be too busy at your conferences and lectures and fucking _ambassador’s stuff_? What about the miserable hole in my chest every time I look at your side of the garage and you’re not there? You fucking left me and you didn’t even have the decency to tell me beforehand!”

“We weren’t even speaking at the time!” Nico bursts. He realises almost immediately there’s no use starting an argument they have already had several times. He leans forward until their foreheads brush, breath passing from one to another. Suddenly the world feels much smaller.

“You have no idea what was going on in my head last year. I seriously considered letting Max overtake me in that last race.” Nico sounds hurt and tired like a soldier who surrenders only after losing each and every one of his fellow friends. “We just wanted the same thing and we couldn’t have it together. I could not feel the victory because I could only feel your defeat.”

Lewis admits that most of the time Nico was the one to give in and try some sort of reconciliation, though he only did that after playing with Lewis’ mind to an extreme level.

Maybe it was part of the plan to make the Englishman fall for him over and over again just so he could tear the other’s heart apart one more time.

“We were a huge mess, weren’t we?” Lewis is taking time to breathe in and out, focusing on not losing his shit because of something he is not even supposed to care anymore. He realises the worst part of it is that Nico still retains the power to turn his world upside down no matter how many times Lewis has repeated to himself that they were over for good.

Because he knows it is a lie he has been feeding himself with since they couldn’t even care about each other’s feelings anymore.

Nico slowly slides his arm around Lewis’ shoulders, bringing him to an awkward side hug. He hears the other’s shuddering breath and tightens the embrace as he used to do whenever Lewis was feeling insecure about achieving his dream when they were only teenagers. He remembers the nights they stood awake talking about the future and suddenly Lewis would get quiet; Nico simply knew he was doubting himself and his talent and would cuddle with him, whispering in Lewis’ ear he would be the best driver the world had yet to see.

Nico certainly found it easier to soothe Lewis’ pain when he was not the one who caused it.

“This is not about me retiring. You know I did that for the sake of both of us.” Lewis hisses in disbelief and the blond readily continues his explanation. “We made a promise back in our Karting days… I guess we left it behind somewhere along the line. I wish things had been different, but maybe there was no way we could have fixed it.”

“What do you mean?” Lewis did not intend to melt into his embrace, to accept so easily the solace Nico is willing to provide him with. He fears becoming addicted once again to the way their bodies fit into each other, to the sense of belonging to one another thoroughly and undeniably.

“I can’t go back to racing against you. I want _this_ ” Nico places one hand on Lewis’ lap, their imaginary bubble tightening around them “more than I want another title.”

“Why can’t we have both?” Lewis is well aware that he sounds pathetic and childish. It doesn’t help that the blond keeps his arms around him protectively, so much calmer and mature.

“We simply can’t. It doesn’t work like that for us.”

Lewis cups his cheek with one hand, eyes dark and indecipherable. He sighs and gives in to a last kiss before he makes his decision. He makes a mental note to thank Valtteri later after punching him in the face.

“Do you want to come to my apartment?”

 

There’s a sense of familiarity that is extremely satisfying; a haste within the softness, like their exchanged touches are in slow motion, but, still, it is all messy and rushed. Fingers stroking the heated skin; lips descending to the neck, back again to the temple. Hands desperately clinging to whatever piece of fabric they could hold, and then the subtle realisation they are excessively clothed, so the shirts and the trousers must go.

Lewis pauses to contemplate Nico’s face - swollen lips and tipsy eyes -, fearing he’s forgotten how it really looks like, fearing he’s distorted it in his mind when all he could feel was anger and betrayal. He wants to make sure he hasn’t blemished its beauty in his memory.

 “Don’t you fucking leave me again” Lewis whispers as he falls onto the mattress bringing Nico with him.

 

It’s been a lifetime since Lewis had last woken up with such tranquility, such a clear sense he didn’t have to be anywhere else - and even if he did, it could wait. How the hell has he forgotten Nico used to be the most important thing in his life?

It wasn’t the competition, he finally realises. He didn’t want to beat the German so as to prove himself. He simply craved the intense feelings that came along with it, how love had vanished and given way to some sort of hateful desire - which was easier to nurture than the former. Lewis has managed to keep some few blurry memories of when they would go out and get utterly drunk; then they would come back to the hotel room they never really admitted sharing and Lewis would fuck Nico roughly against the wall. No tenderness, no remaining of what they once were.

The Englishman is rescued from those regrettable memories when Nico throws one arm around his waist and buries his face in his neck, moaning pleasantly as the sunlight passes through the green curtains and casts itself on their naked, entangled bodies.

“I’m flying to Stuttgart this afternoon.” The blond mutters almost as if he doesn’t want Lewis to understand what he is saying.

“I know.”

Lewis read about it, some fancy event at the Mercedes Museum. And he himself has to go to Belgium as the second half of the season is just about to start. Of course he didn’t have it in mind until then and is stung by the sudden realisation it will always be like this for them. Departures, longing, separate lives which only converged in brief moments.

“I’m afraid of being left alone.” The Englishman whispers against the pillow. “You are the only real thing I can hold on to in my life.”

Nico snuggles closer, one hand caressing the side of Lewis’ face repeatedly.

“I’ll stay in Monaco afterwards, so you know where to find me.”

“I need you there with me. It was our dream.”

The deep hurt on Lewis’ voice almost forbids Nico from going on defending his reasons. It is true that though they were very different from each other and though they were rivals, their careers seemed to be one and the same, even more after Lewis got into Mercedes. Nico never minded this lack of distinction; he too thought they were kind of the same person in separate bodies with complementary aspects, two sides of the same coin.

Of course they would end up destroying each other.

“It’s not mine anymore. I’m considering F-E and—“

“You can’t be serious…” Lewis abruptly props himself up on both elbows. He considers leaving the bed, but Nico is quicker and grasps his arm in a silent plead.

“Let’s not fight over this again. I didn’t quit racing to be away from you and I surely don’t want it now.”

“So come back” Lewis leans his head back on the pillow. He avoids meeting Nico’s eyes because he is ashamed of that kind of exposure, of how much weakness he can show when the other is around. “Not as a driver, you could just stand there looking pretty and stuff. You could work in the press coverage.”

Again the blond falters as he pictures them walking around the paddock area, eating ice cream and stealing kisses from time to time. How easy it would be to just orbit Lewis instead of finding his own path.

Nico looks away, mind somewhere else. Lewis already knows the answer.

“We’ll be alright.” The German says, and it’s enough at the time.

 

* * *

 

 

“Please, don’t tell Toto to kick me off the team.” Valtteri comes looking for him at Mercedes’ trailer. Lewis raises both his eyebrows and puts on a wry smile.

“It would be the least of your problems.”

The Finn is unsure whether he should laugh or worry. Lewis has never been one to play with, and even in his most amicable moments he has had this wall built up around himself. Anyway, he should start apologizing.

“Did you two talk? Are you okay? I’m so sorry for not respecting your privacy, you just seemed so lonely and sad and—“

“It’s okay, Valtteri.” Lewis interrupts his teammates’ unusual freak-out. To hear he has seemed pathetic in the last few months is exactly what he was trying to say to Nico: the brokenness might never go away. He may be damaged for life, unable to trust anyone else the way he trusted the German.

When he tells the Finn that things are _okay_ , there is a huge chunk of information left out. Lewis prays things will be okay, he prays they stay okay.

The next week Nico texts him saying he will be at the Japan Grand Prix as a pundit. Lewis allows himself to feel optimistic about the future, the German’s voice playing on a loop in his head saying they could not have done anything differently until it was too late. He _needs_ to believe in the inevitability of their mistakes, or that maybe they were the only way through which they would survive.

He has yearned for that sort of resolution for so long, and yet it never really seemed they needed one. Somehow, Lewis now understands the fights were as much part of __them as the long-lost cheerful moments.


End file.
